Warning--rant forthcoming
Nov. 5th, 2002 10:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
m_cobweb10 years ago today, I had the first in a series of panic attacks that culminated in their visitation nightly by Christmastime. Fortunately one of the benefits of being in grad school was being able to take advantage of the counseling center, and between that and a lot of dealing with my own mortality, I got through. Today I woke up in such a state of anxiety that I think my body remembers that this is the 10-year anniversary of hell.
Situational: I am tired of going out to try to have fun, and ending up in discussions that consist primarily of recriminations, contradictions, and almost no real communication. I'm tired of being told I shouldn't feel uncomfortable going wherever I want to go, but being stared at and, I suspect, followed when I try. I don't want to restructure my entire social life, but the stress from this is really starting to affect me. I'm tired of not being able to live openly and I'm tired of my actions being used as proof of emotions I'm not feeling and intentions I don't have.
Existential: I'm tired of feeling insecure. I'm tired of so often feeling I'm in competition and never winning. I'm tired of feeling like I can't accomplish anything with my life. I'm tired of requiring 4 prescription medicines to hold down a part-time job! I honestly feel that I am at ground level happy, but these whirlwinds that keep disrupting the upper layers are most distracting and sometimes quite upsetting.
Frivolous: (While I'm at it) Why are all the TV shows I like on opposite each other? And why can't I find a slip short enough to wear with a wool miniskirt?
Goddammit! Snarl! Grrr!!!
Situational: I am tired of going out to try to have fun, and ending up in discussions that consist primarily of recriminations, contradictions, and almost no real communication. I'm tired of being told I shouldn't feel uncomfortable going wherever I want to go, but being stared at and, I suspect, followed when I try. I don't want to restructure my entire social life, but the stress from this is really starting to affect me. I'm tired of not being able to live openly and I'm tired of my actions being used as proof of emotions I'm not feeling and intentions I don't have.
Existential: I'm tired of feeling insecure. I'm tired of so often feeling I'm in competition and never winning. I'm tired of feeling like I can't accomplish anything with my life. I'm tired of requiring 4 prescription medicines to hold down a part-time job! I honestly feel that I am at ground level happy, but these whirlwinds that keep disrupting the upper layers are most distracting and sometimes quite upsetting.
Frivolous: (While I'm at it) Why are all the TV shows I like on opposite each other? And why can't I find a slip short enough to wear with a wool miniskirt?
Goddammit! Snarl! Grrr!!!
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-11-05 01:01 pm (UTC)The situation is difficult now, but it *will* get better. Everyone involved just needs some time to adjust. I know that patience is difficult sometimes, but it's worth the effort....
And don't forget that you have a wonderful husband and plenty of good friends, who will support you in any way that they can.
Oh, and.... "Why are all the TV shows I like on opposite each other?" -- that's what VCRs (and TIVO) are for. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2002-11-05 01:06 pm (UTC)I am doing my best to be patient, I really am. (Despite evidence to the contrary. ;-)) But there's nothing like a good rant to keep one on track sometimes.
And thank you...
(no subject)
Date: 2002-11-05 01:32 pm (UTC)I haven't really looked at TIVO in any depth either (considering how much TV I watch, you can imagine how cost-effective I'd find it for me ;) ), but I *think* it would be able to record multiple simultaneous broadcasts... I'll try to remember to ask one of the people I know who has one.
And yes, I do know that ranting can be very cathartic... been there, done that.