Theory

[m_cobweb]

Pop psychology would have it that people deliberately (albeit subconsciously) seek out relationships that reflect failed relationships from the past. Apparently we do so out of some sort of comfort level--"My father treated me badly, therefore I will be involved with men who treat me badly because that is how things should be."

But isn't it possible we fall into these patterns because we want to change the pattern, not repeat it? And when the pattern repeats, it's because the "problem behaviors" are part of the other person and not so easily changed. And not changed simply for our benefit.

I believe it's possible to learn from the past and break the pattern. I've done it. I've also made mistakes and fallen back in, and then I've realized my error, extricated myself and moved on. I think the human animal is capable of learning and growing (realizing this may not happen often enough, ahem).

Comments

[vulture23.livejournal.com]

I think you may be right about that. It's not just "This is what I know and expect, so I'll stick with it", there's also a big dose of "If I just do this a little bit differently, maybe it can work out this time... maybe I can fix what I did wrong in the past..." Unfortunately, as you say, many times (most times?), the problem isn't something that can be fixed so easily, because it's not something internal -- it's the overall situation. And then the pattern just repeats, and reinforces itself.

It *is* possible to break those relationship patterns, but it's often not very easy. Even after they've been broken, it can be very seductive -- just as someone who quits smoking still feels the urge to have a cigarette years later, long after any physical addiction has passed. Ingrained habits can leave a permanent rut in our minds, and even after you get out of that rut, it's still there, just waiting to be fallen into again. But if you stay conscious of the ruts, and watch for them, it *can* be avoided.