Theory

[m_cobweb]

Pop psychology would have it that people deliberately (albeit subconsciously) seek out relationships that reflect failed relationships from the past. Apparently we do so out of some sort of comfort level--"My father treated me badly, therefore I will be involved with men who treat me badly because that is how things should be."

But isn't it possible we fall into these patterns because we want to change the pattern, not repeat it? And when the pattern repeats, it's because the "problem behaviors" are part of the other person and not so easily changed. And not changed simply for our benefit.

I believe it's possible to learn from the past and break the pattern. I've done it. I've also made mistakes and fallen back in, and then I've realized my error, extricated myself and moved on. I think the human animal is capable of learning and growing (realizing this may not happen often enough, ahem).

Comments

[icebluenothing.livejournal.com]

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result." -- Einstein

[m-cobweb.livejournal.com]

Goes nicely with that thing about those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it.

[vulture23.livejournal.com]

I think you may be right about that. It's not just "This is what I know and expect, so I'll stick with it", there's also a big dose of "If I just do this a little bit differently, maybe it can work out this time... maybe I can fix what I did wrong in the past..." Unfortunately, as you say, many times (most times?), the problem isn't something that can be fixed so easily, because it's not something internal -- it's the overall situation. And then the pattern just repeats, and reinforces itself.

It *is* possible to break those relationship patterns, but it's often not very easy. Even after they've been broken, it can be very seductive -- just as someone who quits smoking still feels the urge to have a cigarette years later, long after any physical addiction has passed. Ingrained habits can leave a permanent rut in our minds, and even after you get out of that rut, it's still there, just waiting to be fallen into again. But if you stay conscious of the ruts, and watch for them, it *can* be avoided.

contrariwise...

[vorona.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's necessarily a mistake
to go over damaged territory and try to
understand it as an adult or at a more
advanced stage... I think that perhaps
SOMETIMES it can be used to repair.

Not always, and not without conscious
application of effort to understand
and overcome the dynamic, though, I mean.

I'm so about repair. Donnie Darko is my
favorite movie, not because Jake Gyllenhaal
is a cutie, but because it's about REPAIR.
Not avoidance, not doing it the easy way,
but finding the problem, going through
what needs to be gone through...

...what needs to be repaired is ourselves.
And I'll consider whatever might work,
including making myself FEEL those feelings
again, putting myself into a painful, familiar
situation, and beating it. Fixing the bugs.

I realise that this is not the popular
position on the matter. But I think
even Einstein would agree with me in
certain cases, and I'd be silly enough
to argue it with him! Yup.

Re: contrariwise...

[vulture23.livejournal.com]

I do think that Einstein would agree that, if you've changed the environment in which the "experiment" takes place, then it's a different experiment, and not doing the same thing over. And yes, there is definitely value in revisiting past problems at a time when one is better equipped to deal with them. The trick is in being aware that one *is* revisiting, and having a good idea of what steps to take to make things turn out different this time. This includes being able to recognize that, for some situations, nothing that one can do onesself can make a difference -- personal determination, analysis, and effort are incredibly valuable and can accomplish many things, but they can't accomplish *everything*. Revisiting an old conflict can help to resolve unfinished business, but it's still important to choose one's battles wisely.

[m-cobweb.livejournal.com]

In my case, awareness is key. If I know what I'm getting into, and why I'm doing it, I can make decisions based on whether I'm able to repair past damage or whether I'm only going to add to my baggage in harmful ways. Sometimes much healing can be done before it's time to get out. Yet it's so, so good to know when it's time to escape.